space above the full

have i been asking to get better?
or just asking for distractions?
because sitting here alone
i feel so empty in that space above the full

i can dive down in my cup
and hold my breath
down to the depths of joy
i swim back up to that space that no one's ever been
because if somebody could stay
up all that way with me
i don't believe it would be quite as empty as it seems to be

my brain begins to boil with small bubble thoughts
"i'm being stupid" "just snap out of it jodi"
"it's better this way, move on young lady... start wanting something else"
but the bubbles rise to the top
and all that's left is empty
and at least i can breathe
even if this hot steam is pushing its way inside me

pushing on these walls of my brain
they all just want to leave
but i hold them in and my head aches
and i do not want to take medicine
please don't give me a distraction
i'd rather sit here... and investigate these bouncing particles
you can read this like an article
while i'm removing articles of clothing for no one
and getting my only warmth from lifeless blankets
dreams creep, dreams live in the steam
rising out of the full
and all the heat it creates
when i mix kisses on your face
with a fast pace
and enough space for 3 days of traveling to take place
my head aches

the last thing i want is your sympathy
you'd be giving it against your will
you'd be giving... and giving...
however you will, and not getting what i'm getting
we're not forgetting anything
i've had a glimpse of what is beautiful
in the vividness of sobriety
and what is meaningful is left in that window of time
the train has passed, great while it lasted
here both of us are, outside
and we can always look in
but here and now it will not be how it has been
previously
not again. not again.

i don't want to want anyhing
and as long as i'm not asking
you won't be giving
so i'm floating on the top of half full
right on that line
and the air that i'm breathing is empty
can't tell you one thing you could give me
because i'd want it to be true...
all we've got is tried.

risks

everytime you want to believe in something
you're faced with al lthe reasons not to.
Hell, everytime you step into a car,
you're risking your life.
Everytime you get drunk
you risk becoming an alcoholic.
everytime you kiss someone
and mean it
you risk heartbreak and rejection.

Part of the reward is feeling okay about yourself before you get the reward
of all you believe in coming to life.
To sit in the place of rejection and death and danger, alive
and self-affirmed
with the mere satisfaction that there's something you learned.

avenue

you were an avenue through which I could flow
with both words
and silent affection we'd show
when you laid next to me

it's trivial to you
and pivotal to me
that you could take such deep interest
and hold me close. and hold me close.

i got lost in our closeness
now you're far away
and i still feel how beautiful
we were that beautiful day

but it's trivial you say
such deep interest steers you away

from commitment or touch
and though i missed you so much
it was not enough
to make you feel differently

i was a gate with a lock and you were the avenue
i could only drive through
i could linger on your streets
but my feet want to take you with me.

i traveled through alone on my drive
to keep an attraction with us alive
i spoke to you about it and i cried
and we never tried, and you never lied.

at the end of the day you just have to sigh
and say everything's alright.

city lights

you reached out to me through wires
and wireless signals
spoke out in generic text emails
my handwritten words went unreturned
and my heart served the purpose
of feeding your brain
with the dull and plain friendship
i'm always reduced to
now you don't say much
and i keep myself from you
so that you can stop praising me
because that makes me want you
and so here i am waiting
for an unscheduled visit
from your unplanned destination
of emotional fulfillment
your bags are unpacked
and i'm ready to go
but it hurts me to realize you left long ago

and i was just a stop on the way to your freedom
a ribbon to wear on your shirt, you had me pleading
for one more night wrapped in your arms so safe and warm
now i'm frozen in place and your free to move on

there's no mark on your character
there's no mark on my body
all i'm left with is sickness you breathed into me
i welcomed the possibility of building a mountain
that now only exists in dreams in memories
of me flying to my home away from home
away from you, and i missed you so
and i slept and opened my eyes `
to stars matched by flickering city lights that shined just as bright
i don't know what makes me qualified to see such sights
my head takes flights above your body in the night
and i think everything of each moment
i give myself the best possible view
get the window seat to every great thing about you
and realize that starry sky with city lights reflected
is only projected when i'm far away
up close and personal
is a person so small that one of those flickering lights is enough
to keep her aware of her surroundings
she doesn't get carried away

and i wonder what its like to be that tiny
to not even know to expect so much more
out of something so magnificent as vision
when you walk through open doors

my heads been in the clouds before
and i'll never forget the view, i matched with you.